he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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