my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
