i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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