I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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