i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
