her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
