its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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