my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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