i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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