Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
