I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
