I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
