I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Randomize
