is your mom at the bar?
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
