update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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