your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
