so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
