My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
