I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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