I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
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