Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
