Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
