I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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