Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
