and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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