I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
