I can text with my tongue
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
