Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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