$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
