I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
