1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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