I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
