Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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