so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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