I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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