I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Randomize
