Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
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