I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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