my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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