Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
