I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Randomize
