You don't have asthma, your pregnant
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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