I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
