So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
