I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
