my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
