Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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