I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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