never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
