Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Can I color on your dick again?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Sext me about skeletons
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He shit in the fireplace
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
