Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
